Play Is Their Language: Understanding Behavior Through Play
To adults, play might look like just toys, games, or silly imagination, but to children, play is communication. It’s how children best explore feelings, try on new roles, and make sense of the world around them. Before kids have the words for big emotions, they express themselves through play. That means every tower they build, every doll they dress, and every “pretend story” they act out is telling us something.
Play is more than just entertainment for children. Play is emotional processing and emotional skill building. Kids use play to express feelings that they may not yet have the words for. A child acting out “being the baby” might be craving comfort. A child playing hide and seek may be exploring separation and attachment. A child acting out as a superhero may be feeling the need to be powerful or in charge. A child’s play can tell you many things about what they are going through and how they are feeling about it. Play can also help children work through experiences, reduce stress, and better understand what is happening around them. Play gives us a window into what is going on inside a child’s mind.
When children don’t have the words, they use play. Adults are able to use their emotional vocabulary to verbalize how they feel. When children don’t have the vocabulary, they show their feelings through different outlets, such as play. If a child has a hard day at school you might not here them outright say “Someone hurt my feelings at recess so I am upset”. You may instead see them play aggressively, knock over toys, create conflict between characters, or create dramatic themes in their play. This is them showing you through their play what they can’t yet say.
There are often tiny details or “clues” within a child’s play that can reveal a child’s inner emotional world. For example, if your child keeps pretending someone is being left out, they may be feeling left out themselves. Some things to look out for in play include; themes, emotions, characters, tone, who’s “in trouble”, who’s the “hero”, or who gets left out. Being attentive to these details can help you better understand what your child is feeling about the world around them.
Your role is not to correct, it is to observe. Allow your child to take the lead in their play and be open to following them on their journey. Be curious and explore with them what is happening in their play space. Don’t change the theme and follow their lead. Feel free to ask gentle questions like “I wonder what is happening here?” or “I wonder how this character is feeling?” to gain further insight. Try not to identify items for your child. It may seem as though your child is playing with Spider-Man but the child may see it as a representation of their brother. Allow them to identify their own characters and figures.
When you enter a child’s play world you are showing them that you see them, hear them, and are trying your best to understand them. This also creates a strong emotional connection and trust between you and the child. Playing with your child also builds emotional awareness, problem solving skills, confidence, and resilience. They are not just playing, they are growing.
Kids don’t just sit down and say “I need to tell you what I am going through.” Instead, they invite us into their world through play. When we slow down and pay attention, we learn what they are processing, what they need, and how we can best support them. Play is communication, healing, and language.
Try at Home
Let your child take the lead in their play
Join in without controlling the story
Repeat emotions you notice
(ex: he seems frustrated, she seems sad)
Use play characters to model coping skills
(ex: Barbie is really mad right now so she is taking a deep breath)
Offer toys that encourage imagination
(ex: action figures, dolls, drawing, puppets, etc)
Create distraction free time everyday for play
Even 10 minutes of connected play makes a difference!
